At this very moment, our kitchen is bustling with people who are busy cooking for my birthday celebration tonight. In it are Norman, who is from Saudi Arabia, my brother Mark, my bohemian mother in Dubai, Gracie and her sister in law, Spica. I did not plan to celebrate it whatsover but my housemates somehow managed to find time to make a big deal out of making “the Siren’s birth a big fucking deal”.

At this very moment, I am in an Internet Cafe downtown spending time with myself. I am exchanging last minute SMS’s to the cooks who are there without me, as I, selfish as I am (but only for an hour), chose to recluse, even for this time writing Confessionings to be able to;

1. get rid of the blues that crept seemingly ideal for a person like me a while back at work when i saw a baby in a carrier being fed by his mom

2. get in touch with my just-recovering self (I was sick for 3 days)

3. make a big deal outta my birthday once and for all

4. imagine the people who will surprise me later

5. rethink drinking tonight because I drank a barrel of alcohol last New Year’s eve

6. to relax before “acting” happy again once I get back to the house

7. to feed my longing because I know Billy can’t make it because of work issues

8. to remember the now-gone, always-far awayle who always made birthdays fun like my Grandma who shares the same birthday as I am, Eldan, with his exciting birthday cards back in High School and college and well, yes, my mom and dad and my sisters Kit, Angeline, Noreen and Dess.

9. to wish that MS (my best best boyfriend of all!) will be there because he has work issues as well

10. to reconsider going back being 29 . . . at least.

. . . but then again here I am, still with myself and with you. Remembering the years when everything is just shallow and wide with fantastical possibilities. I guess getting can sometimes cram you or scare you. I once read about age being “just numbers” but what is numbers without counting.

I am misty-eyed right now. I deeply want my parents to be near me at this point. I have been engulfed by independence in the last 10 years that at this point, when birthday candles and icinged cakes are upon midst, how I would love to be vulnerable again and feel my dad’s strength again . . . and my mom’s ever-charitable words of comfort.

I am misty-eyed right now because as I have been spending my birthdays with friends (good good friends – I am lucky!) for years, away from my homeland, the Philippines, how I wish I am spending it as well with my four sisters who are not only sisters but my angels all these years . . . Kit’s brazen laughter and infectious wisdon, Angeline’s sensitivity, Noreen’s unspoken language and Dess’ mischief and volumptous head.

I am misty-eyed right now because I am, even alone here and typing will go home tonight in my apartment in Rigga and spend time with my friends who “cooked” for me while I was at work and who gave their time in making my birthday A BIG FUCKING DEAL. Thank you all.

So ok, I am gonna walk back to the apartment now.

Happy Birthday to me.


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