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My dear friends,

Thank you for being a part of my life. Ahh, I’ve been ran over by truckloads of shit these past few months and for the benefit of moralistic confidence, I will never be left unstrung to my defenses if it wasn’t for you. I know it was also a bit of a run for all of you. We were all tied down to our individual weighing scales and my apologies for all the trouble I caused. It was never really easy for me to be pinned down and be pointed as the MEDUSA of my time. I saw the ricochet of stares and the silent judgements. I felt the subversive lines. The meaning of it. I saw myself a different person and yet I am one and the same. I saw my fears and really tasted it. I saw myself empowered my disintegrations, the lack of self-esteem I have compounded amid the birth of love I have mothered entirely. And yes, I was hurt by the regulations that we must gravitate, the terms, in love.

Yamen is a story. Midi is another. Faces I will never have the courage to tell the whole world about but you. I guess I am not a good person. I am yet another pathological lying freak who makes life out of ways his mind controls or the way people would want him to be but I believe in you because it always reminds me that comfort will never be mental. It is felt and although I mishandled the catastrophic word FRIENDSHIP for my own sick advantage, I would still ask for your forgiveness because I know you haven’t fully forgiven me.

I am VERY VERY happy right now. After spending “a lot of time” (finally) with Midi during the break of EID I saw myself anew and not scared. His breath, his kiss, his body, his love mutated into a being very much like the old passion I dreamed about or thought of all my days under a mango tree wishing I was a saint. Days when I only have God to see. Boys will be boys, aye? But hell guys, I am crying through this emotional capacities. I am driven by something ancient AND YET N E W . Like I told him, I knew him before, I just didn’t know his name.

Guys, I hate to sound like Paolo Coelho but I want to die now because of all this happiness. It’s a good day to die.

I love you. Thank you all for stating the words I can never say. For the craps and maps. Through the sins and wins.

May yours be ecstacy, pleasure, peace and love.




it is drizzling outside . . . beautiful, gloomy and microscopic. like we’re drawn to something mystical. you know i love the rain . . . i just hope we won’t be drenched the whole year through. well with our men’s semen fill . . . SURE . . . that is a must!

a few words here. oh man i just hope it will be just a morsel of my sybaritic heart, loquacious as i am but ok, you are my best friend, you might need a few words.

I MISS YOU. there is just something about you that i miss. i know it will always bring down to a certain amount of petty jealousy, especially coming from a selfish person like me (as you tagged me), but please shred me out if i get too mushy here as (believe it or not) just writing the words I MISS YOU in this third paragraph brought me to these slimy mists harboring under my lids like a prelude to some sob atmosphere. Ahhhhhh, i hate you! you always bring me to tears.

that’s right, norman, i guess i really miss you. that’s why in the past week i’ve been pretty sensitive whenever you say something or i feel that there’s something that i must feel guilty about because i erupted something in you far beyond my expectations. when you placed the phone down on me after words i found acrid i just felt dumped. ok we all have ugly days (man i get that everyday at work) but it really really felt so inappropriate to hear you say “sige na sige na, forget about it!”. corny and it will sound like you are suddenly unfamiliar as i’ve been used to your bitchy stance since God knows when (like you are to mine) but for the first time i felt the seriousness of the matter and i just felt guilty and felt suddenly so limp being somebody who meant less. i’m sorry i really hate saying this honey but i felt hurt. everybody knows how BAD i’ve become since i arrived from vacation with all the things i did with the Midi bit and somehow it is haunting me still and perhaps this is why i get agitated with guilt more so often. more so with you because i still carry that part when i deceived you by keeping my SINS and playing goody-goody when i’m really the pointiest edge of the triangle. the witch.

when i told you about T over the phone, you immediately blurted not just the news but the forecomings to the world. i’m sorry if i rubbed you there i know i can get really moronic in jacking the knife into people’s skin no matter how ridiculous but it was supposed to be just you and me norman. ok there is a jealousy there with jess and all but that is given, you know about that. that is almost nothing to me and yet . . . and the word COMPETITION ticked me. you once associated that word with red. after that i just felt like another red. you know i could care less if you were just another “one of those”, fuckem to hell i can be red all day, but it is you and you are my friend. i call you my torch.

when you were moving out i didn’t hear it from you. jess told me about it.

there. i said it. did i ruin your new year? i hope not. please give me your forgiveness. i just need to put this way because i will live up to this love i have for you because i do love you and nothing and nobody can beat everything that we went through together. i can be wrong you know. i may be rattling nonsensical dilemmas in this letter but this is just how i feel. i can be unnerving, carefree and be God-may-care-but-not-me but you are family Norman, i just won’t let this slip away. i know i deserve this sometimes you know. after all, i started the betraying game myself, i underestimated you. believe me honey sometimes i think it’s fair enough. but i think about this, milk induced and all, and i can’t find sleep.

i love you. i always did through the burning days and the hot steamy summer nights. Bottomline is I MISS YOU. they suddenly took you away from me. i can’t pinpoint who because i love them too but it’s a matter of something or nothing. it could be your taste for coffee has simmered or your sorry back or our men interlacing (hi hi) or perhaps, me still longing for a companion in these happy but dark days.

i’ll see you at lunch . . . BITCH.





here’s the stuff you want me to define for you . . . in my own words, that is.

Word Association:

1.sirens – a picture of mine taken back in 97 in Saudi Arabia. I was sitting in the middle of Old Diriya, beneath the ancient ruins, flat tired and bald. That picture reminds me of my tattoo, a glyph, freshly carved months before Old Diriya, of peace and youth, of perils and wanton longings.

2.fornication – hot chocolate or a nice wicked pork steak

3.ecstasy – sun drenched, eyes bloodshot, in my sunny grandmother’s house and it is 3:30 in the afternon . . . between wakefulness and sleepiness.

4.muesli with perigold truffles – walking on closed coffins lying flat to the ground

5.Rene de Carte – vases, media, umbrellas and slow motion dancing

6.cryptorchidism – disorientation and dabbing red paint in a white canvass.

7.androgyny – Orlando Bloom, night lamps, a geisha painting and a still camera.

8.Revelations – dinosaurs and mink coats

9.mental retardation – comprehension of theories

10.terrorism – sarcoma, creamation, Auschwitz and plastic surgery.

11.masochism – my love life

12.Marilyn Monroe – 3 s’s: sadness, sensation and skin.

13.adultery – Islam, signature clothes and everything material that is so blinding you are robbed off of your will to listen to yourself.

14.fairy tales – old old stories of my ancestors from China, Leyte, Ilocos and Zumaraga.

15.tombs – past love affairs and my youth (I grew up in a house near a cemetary)

16. Johhny Depp – indiosynchrasy, lap dance and bad teeth.

17. lagoons – sex

18.playgrounds – words, poetry and music

19.mysticism – cats, blood, bones, the color purple, heroes and heroines

20.blood – my sisters, friends and longings beyond repair




my dearest JUNE,

it’s 1:25 and i cant find sleep . . . i guess i have saved up almost 4 hours of complete wakefulness from that siesta i had this afternoon.

i miss you.

there’s nothing much i can say here lest i ramble on and on but this is what i feel right now: i miss you. i have been living ALONE for more than a month now (Mark may have been happy where he is at this point) but i am not, disregarding the fact that you live with the teachers and Dang and Catz and Rya are too much togther and here i am, writing you a letter, making love to my solitude. minutes back i organized my bag, fixed my cabinet and charted my financial sheet (all the while watching the 1st season of Grey’s Anatomy) . . . what a drag. being lonesome in a roomful of “gray” thoughts and low lighting is impressionably tiresome.

this is why i wanted to go to THE SANCTUARY tonight (even with iced teas and talks) because i wanted to GET OUT OF THIS ROOM. away from memories of Mark’s constant laughter and continuous blast of pure energy and especially AWAY from the invitation of pensive thoughts, by which i have been quite susceptible to these past few days. well, sad to say, i THINK i haven’t quite got used to the fact that one of my best friends in the world, more so, my own flesh and blood brother, took off somewhere and left me TO MISS HIM as much as i am at this point.

kaya nga i told you before, your presence in this house is so regarded and i thank you from the bottom of my heart that you are always there for me. i love you and regard you MORE THAN YOU’LL EVER KNOW.

siguro, you’ll feel the same way too when the teachers will go to canada or when, perhaps, dang decides to make bukod (as they are your family here that is for sure) lalo na when the room is in silence – such emptiness!

anyway change topic . . .

thursday is coming soon and well, hell, we are already 2 months in the running. i am proud of that you know that. amid the stress level and the neverending distractions, for the last 2 months i have come to KNOW YOU and respect you and more than anything else i have come to love you and accept you as the BIG ONE in my life.

like i said before i am gonna be here for you thru the good times and the bad. i am grateful that i chose you to be “my hubby” and i am more than grateful (to God and to my lucky stars) that YOU ARE IN MY LIFE because without you in it, it will be hell. and we both know that HELL IS COLD.

i apologize for my darkness sometimes it is just me. i am working on it and sooner or later, i will be all sunshine, hehehehe.

i love you june.

i love you so much.

i am happy amid it all . . . because no matter how fucked up my life can get, i know you are there and that’s what matters.

your JON


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