letters unsent

MY DARLINGS IN DUBAI is none other than my two siblings, Mark Ian and Maria Lourdes.  Both of which are my best friends and my allies in many ways.  Both headstrong and microscopically sensitive, they have provided me this extraordinary fluid that runs wildly into my emotional veins, piercing into it the promise of the much-awaited and the aria made from pain and love fused magically into a servitude of music that serenades my hopeless deteriorations and terminal mental disorders.  This work is dedicated to them – faerie dust, rubberducks and shotglasses.  I love you both.


I am so sorry I bought you that horrable Chinese t-shirt that was way too big for you.  You know how horrable I am in buying clothes for other people – it will only be RIGHT if I was buying it with you.  Anyway HAPPY BIRTHDAY.  I just want to tell you that I have seen you grow into a man and that I am proud of you.  I will always remember that year, back in 1981, when Mama told me to fetch Papa from the office because you are already coming your way into this world.  I will always remember Papa praying to our Santo Nino after you were born because he was so happy that YOU CAME and that you were a boy !  And my, what a cute boy you were I was so jealous I wanted to put the pillow in your face!

Mark, I have never told you this but I admire you greatly.  Your guts is way better than mine and you are such a visionary.  Your energy is something I have always wanted to have because you can see things coming your way and the weight of your judgment is as strong as conviction that it makes MY WORLD the Caiman Islands to your South America.  I am always blind – always – and you always have that readied bucket of cold water to splash unto my blinded eyes whenever I absorb my so-called inept judgment on may a great things about life decisions.  And of course, your stories always – always – excite me because you rarely spew a story (much more pontificate I have to mention) but I know it will always blow me away.

You are my sole brother and I love you with all my heart.




We started this friendship through trysts and somehow, these miniscule jams as I call them turned into a whirlwind friendship that bestowed great times, countless encounters, spirited drinks and “versions” of love unbeknownst (but finally defined in as of yet many different versions of light and shade).  Gurl, we have spoken about the intricacies, the complications, the diagram of love’s palate, whether it is sweet, bitter or bittersweet over coffee, spaghetti, pints, hot tears, cold tears, dry and wet laughter.  We have both learned about its roller coaster “treat” and (hopefully) have learned from it . . .  I know you are barely the type who would LISTEN AND EXECUTE but here’s to your undiscovered self and contrive to listen as what I am about to say here is of importance and of great conviction.

YOU DESERVE TO BE HAPPY and you deserve no second best when it comes to what you want.  You are a girl so misunderstood by many and probably somebody who is as stubborn as a woodpecker but always remember who you are.  To tell you honestly it always worries me whenever you get lost over the things that is dictated to you.  At least by what you feel, so much so that YOU TRY a hell lot – which is good – but always remember who you truly are:  an independent woman who can seize the day, make things happen and somebody who has her own mind.  Kookie remember that happiness is not a goal.  It is an a experience and it has its expiry date.  All you have to be is to be YOU amidst it all (through the fire and through the storms) and realize that before anything else, you have yourself.

As for me, I am and will always be just around the corner.  Change scares me a lot but I am getting used to it.  It took me a while before I can really give you away to your W but we all move on anyhow.  What matters most is that we celebrate the best of times, no matter how phony that gets and we stick to the very basics of friendship:  acceptance and understanding.

OK tama na ang drama, shopping na !

Much love,


BANGKOK BABY !!!  Ellen, everytime I see our pictures in Thailand together always brings me back to my surprising rush towards my heterosexual roots and it makes me laugh with comtemptible delight.  I will always remember remember the way we kissed in the middle of the street and those taxis honking – swirling with instantaneous frenzy – and it was just perfection to the maximum.  Of course that was “then” and it will always have a special niche in my heart but here’s to say that writing this open missive to you MAKES ME MISS you even more.  I will always remember how we laughed together and how much of a great audience you were to my amateurish comedic skills.

Our conversations over the years (skimpy, yes, but always satiating) have inspired me and your recent reawakening surged a bit of a reprisal upon me and I just want to ask you WHEN THE FUCK ARE YOU COMING TO DUBAI?


your Bangkok baby, JON  😉

This should be a very short one Eisa baby but I want to tell you that long drive we did late last year from Dubai to RAK just talking and finally having dinner at the Hilton Bay is one of the happiest days of my life.  You listened to my bullshits tirelessly and sick in the head as I was at the time, you did give me THE COUCH and has transformed my perspective from negative to positive.  Here I just want to thank you (to the world that is) for making me believe in love all the time.  We have been friends for years now and you have remained loyal, sincere and breathtakingly supportive to my love life, be it a good one or a bad one.  Always remember that you will always be my Mr Big no matter who I end up with I will still COUCH with you as you psychoanalyze away – past my grimes and heal me with your classic tones of wisdom and sensitivity.  Do not worry I always remember what you tell me all the time:  make a better version of myself.  It is on the works, man, and I will be as good like them Transformers, oiled and geared good for the world to see.

We should do those long drives again.  All we do is drink coffee and pina collada – it is beginning to be boring.

love ya,


DREW – If you are reading this now, I guess it is time for the world to know how special you are to me.  You have always complained why I never introduced you to my friends and family and I guess I have a reason why:  because you are my secret world and having said so, you would (knowing you) still tell me how bad I am with confessions.  Apparently I would still consider you to be the king of my cosmic secret garden because what we have is something frank and unpretentious.  I want that untouched in this life of mine that is so blinding thanks to the daily mess of things.  But no, you are no fuckery.  We have something real and that is, and will always be, good.

Thank you for the unconditional companionship and great affection.  After you left last month I realized how much I lost a good friend in you.  Gone are the days when I can just SPIT IT OUT !!!  wHEN I CAN just douse in our rock and roll and wHEN I CAN just let go and be my crazy self.  I never said thank you to you so I am saying it now.  Be good to yourself and I will see you again.  I promise.


You are supposed to be in Dubai around this time had London not ate you alive with your musicalities roaming round the city sleaks glum marathons in the top ten charts of pain.  oh man, i miss you.  Last SMS said you would write me a “proper” letter but I guess your guitar hero was busy collecting even more calluses making muses for the world to destroy and eventually extract.  Like you always say, ” There’s a lot of them and so few of us” .  Oh so true.

How insane it is these days.  The siren has stopped hooting too.  Can we switch time zones?  Can we interlace like we used to?  Can we stop working so hard?  Can we just light that joint?  Hang swastika upon our door of shame and fly for a few hours doing nothing but be our Tori selves and reinvent IT ALL?  I have never felt this anger in a while and I guess this is the reason why I found myself drinking ALONE last night until my brother Mark fished me out of my drunken state and brought me home.  Today, there’s just no peace . . . and I need you to write me quickly or I’d burn and sponge all of Dubai’s fury to my head.  Sometimes, like this time, I just want to jump off and redeem my once 21 year old self into my 30something head and call it great times.

i am so bored Jon – – – apparently i am writing again but out of boredom.  It is 3:22 in the morning and I have to be in Abu Dhabi tomorrow too.  Dew drop inn.



My two oldest best friends – including both of you here is quite overrated but gods as we are, NOTHING ever is overrated.  Fact is, OVERRATE it away !

hike your skirts ladies, here comes Lucifer’s bride . . . drumroll please . . . and Madonna’s VOGUE . . . in between that, Annie Lennox’s No More I Love Yous.

Oh geez i have all the reasons to be thankful for having you in my very difficult life.  I know over the years, THE YEARS!, t’was such a ride having me as your friend.  There is nothing much to say really because this letter may be addressed to you but IT IS ALL ABOUT ME (har har har).  Kidding aside (ewww baduy ng entry it is almost 4 na, damn!) all I can say is big salamat for being around me.  The years have spanned the best and worst in us and yet we are still together, shaping shapeless ideas, laughing over our life’s miseries and crying over funny things like love, family and relationships.  Both of you, in two very different but defining times, have molded me into what I am in terms of tolerance, wisdom and loyalty.  It means a lot to me that you have reconciled your imperfections (and was never scared to admit your mistakes and weaknesses) to me IN CONFIDENCE and likewise, have forgiven my unfathomable inadequacies and have loved me even at my worst decision-makings, bad choices of lovers, my overspendings, my whinings, my consistent complicated musings, my anger, my passion for literature (no matter how sleepy it gets) and my inconsistencies.  Huge kisses for accepting me as me (average everyday sane psycho – super goddess!) and for understanding that I may be a foul-mouthed, razor-speaking, opinionated control freak and overall sonofabitch but will never make me love you less.



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