the diet of unrequited love and insomnia

if pensiveness was ever a mixture of inner rage and beauty in dimensional proportions, then i am indeed pensive, at 11:54 PM, haunted by the ghost of my lost power to pluck out these images of past and present and create something beautiful out of it.

samantha jones of SATC would’ve said, “Shit motherfucker fuckshit” and all of us would’ve agreed that it can indeed be a situation. a SHITMOTHERFUCKERFUCKSHIT situation. then again, who can ever sit down, grin and call this a work of my infamous DRAMA QUEEN self but you? a stupendous member of my circle (which makes you fabulous by all means) and somebody i can sarcastically call – the cushion of my blows.

so thank you. thank you for not deleting this and for still reading this. you can stop now and not proceed to this paragraph lest it could coil your streams to fuckit yonder and condemn me for being a self-indulgent bitch who is (as always) self-centered and an absolute asshole in many many ways. at your own risk.

drum roll please:

1. i miss perspective. having reached this far, successful in the career field and definitely competitive, i still don’t know myself and having said so, until when will i get to know myself? i do not know what is wrong with tonight [or yesterday when i had glorious sex with somebody i like, well, at least45 per cent in my liking scale (i mispelled liking with licking by the way thank God i proof read)] but suddenly, i began pointing fingers at me again calling myself a misconstrued prick who is out there to justify things that are not worth justifying . . .

a. this girl i befriended (her name sounds like an inactive internet connection), jogged with, imbedded my mucus membrane with with her sob stories and low self-esteem, began drawing lines to people i know and branched out armies of her own to attack me with canny motives, to eventually bruise me and my friends. to her advantage. you see, deception is nothing new to me, but i think it is still unfair because i did like her. it all became a one-sided matter that i had to deal with because more than anything else, it became a battle between me and my capacity to trust. tonight, most especially, i contrive to reconcile the fact that i am indeed controversial but then again, i am one who still likes peace and would want my friendships to work . . . but i am not blind either, so FUCK THAT GIRL and may the blessings of the Almighty be with her – 24/7. she needs it.

b. i want to patch up with my ex (he is named after a summer month and it’s not April). fair enough that it took me seven months to accept the fact that he started a new relationship two weeks after we broke up (and accepting the fact that he is HOTTER than me for having done so) but here we are, smiling at each other in public places but not speaking to each other. God knows i tried. i tried so hard you may call me WHATEVERYOUFUCKINGWANT. why can’t i accept the fact that he doesn’t want to have anything to do with me anymore? i want to be his friend is all really. i guess it comes down to the fact that ex’s always turns out to be the greatest of all friends. or i am wrong. when one says everything was said and done, are words and actions really everything?

c. why can’t i realize that my head is higher than my heart ???

2. i feel so ugly. i look in the mirror and see the paunchy bags under my eyes, my rapidly drying skin and tell myself, “You are so beautiful, buddy. You are sooooooo beautiful”, only to look away from the mirror and cuss at myself gladly for being the phoniest, mirror-hating sonofabiatch i ever fell in love with. with my face fed with glutathione and moisturizers i considered eating them for the ASAP effect . .. well, i guess we all need to pat ourselves in the back knowing that we , at least for a time, had been the toast of the town, the walking sexual animal in parties, the one-nighter who can’t recall names the next day . . . a has-been. as if aesthetic beauty is just a cycle and it will all come back one day when in fact it is a period and youth is the provider of that. so yes, i just don’t feel ugly tonight but i feel old as well. C R U C I F Y M E !!!

3. my friend gracie and i are on a diet this month. we have moved away from rice, oil and junk. we mix vegetables and fruits, blend them into smoothies in a formula that goes like this . . .

apple + cucumber + kiwi = improves skin complexion

watermelon + celery + carrots = reduces sugar content

. . . the list goes on and on and i have to say we are addicted to it and it’s amazing cuz i actually lost 2 kilos in one week but here’s the thought: if my life would be based on formulas such as this and had my night been more fruitful in terms of healthier thoughts, i would have . . .

crispy pata + pepsi + sukang pinakurat = plus 50 years of my life

a bad relationship + a very bad relationship + a very VERY bad relationship = James McAvoy

stella artois + cuervo tequila + absolut vodka = my dream novel

marijuana + E + loadsa beer = kissing God’s feet

getting gang-raped + scourged by men in uniform = a 100 million dollars

. . . why fucking not?

4. halfway through this shit, i spoke to my mom, well, actually, woke her up (it is 4 am in the Philippines) as i needed a bigger audience and my mom is one heck of an audience because no matter how i lay it all down, she will never believe me. i told her i am a bit sad tonight and she said, “C’mon anak, wala ka lang lover” and there it goes. just one sentence. one powerful sentence that gave a period to all this nonsensical blabber. my mom, who was half-awake, half-listening to my whines, cut me out in the middle of my litany to tell me that i am really just OK. i just need some good loving of a lover.

so have a good day and thank you for listening.

love you.

love the one next to you. it is worth the trip. trust me.

much love,

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